Two Twenty A.M.

There's nothing like sitting in silence to gain some perspective in life. I choose to remain positive. That's not such a bad thing. I like my luxurious things once in a while. I like dressing up. I like chocolate. I like a lot of things.

At this time my mind kinda wonders. It wanders from "Where the heck are all the scrabble players?" to "What can i do with $900,000?" I tell you what $900,000 can do... it can pay off our house and all the debt we had accumulated. And then it can buy me another dream handbag. But will money really solve all our problems? Not really but it would definitely ease the load. Isn't the case with everyone? Happy are those who don't worry about money and are also happy within themselves.

Here's a funny story. My sister blew her nose hard. So hard it made a funny noise. My son (almost 3) heard and said "Bless you!" My sister said "It's not a sneeze. I blew my nose." Almost 3 year old son said "Oh." My sister blew her nose again and made the same noise. My son said "You are so silly!" My sister laughed and blew her nose a third time. My son turned around and said "Excuse me!" Poor kid. Had no idea how to react to THAT he he. This story made me laugh hard today. Love it!

Did you know that i get nauseated the later i stay up? Unless i am out partying then no nausea there. Hence, i can't eat. Never was one to have a midnight snack.

I love looking at people's photos.

I know why sometimes people say the silence is deafening. Along with it anxiety grips your heart.

I don't know how people do blogs. I have no particular topic. I have no theme. I just write whatever pops into my head. Maybe i will talk about the people here with me today.

Okay - PERSON ONE. Crabby. Always seems crabby. Negative vibe and seem to just enjoy telling people what they have done wrong. Makes her assertive but too rude. When she does talk to me, i am appalled that she has spoken to me because i gave up with the niceties a long time ago. She is what hubby would call toxic. I don't make a habit of talking to toxic people. I don't trust her. She's a good worker though. She does her job well i think.

PERSON TWO. She likes to talk. She's great. She has many stories usually about her kids. I heard through the grapevine that she is divorced. That made me sad for her because she spoke about her hubby as if they were meant for each other. Sometimes fairy tales don't end with happily ever afters. But she's still laughing and seem to just go on. But sometimes i see her tinged with sadness.

PERSON THREE. Don't really know him but he's always quite pleasant to me which makes it difficult to imagine that the very same person has caused my friend grief. Funny how people are.

PERSON FOUR. Don't know him much either but he should stop roaming the corridors with a blanket thrown over his head because he looks like a freaking ghost!

Those are the people i am working with today. That's enough.

Well, i am off. I am back to check whether someone is avaialable to play scrabble. God bless one of my dear friends who is keeping me company online. Kudos to you.

Au revoir.

Everyone's Leaving on a Jet Plane

Lately wherever i turn i find that everyone i seem to know is going somewhere overseas on a holiday. Just to rub it in. I drink in their photos... the sites... the new things to see. Once upon a time that was my lifestyle. I would go on holiday for two months at a time once a year - overseas. I was free to explore our world. Then a hundred thousand things happened and i find myself in my predicament. Unable to go anywhere - i mean how could i when even the simple matter of renewing my passport hasn't been attended to. We are currently tied to a mortgage that is not benefiting us at all due to unkept promises. Dreams down the gurgler. Everyone will walk away from the sale of this property with a place except us. That sometimes make me feel bitter inside and it makes me cry when i am in the mood.

BUT let's not dwell on that. I shall concentrate on what i want the universe to throw back at me.

I want to travel again!!! I want to do that. Definitely... i want to go to Japan and go to Kyoto and dress up like a geisha. I want to take my son to Disneyworld. I want to chill out on the sands of Fiji. Anywhere... anytime... just over there somewhere!

I want to keep my house but hey let's throw that in the bucket of wishes too... coz it might come true.

NEXT TOPIC... what to do what to do? I know family has ties that bind but what do you do when other members just continuously beat down at you and no matter what you do they seem to have so many opinions about your life? SHUT UP! That's what i want to tell them. Shut up! If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. It hurt me that you are able to just say things like that about me. It hurts me that you never let me in your life anymore. It hurts me when you tell me you miss me and then you turn around and say nasty things behind my back. It hurts me that we were once so close and now you push me away. I know i should just let it go and leave you be but i don't know why i let you hurt me. You need to grow up.

NEXT to address another person in my life... are you for real? I mean truly? In the grand scheme of things do you really care for me all that much .. a lot ... or not at all? Am i just being stupid? Or is it worth it? And if it is real then why do i doubt you so? I don't want to doubt you because one day i think you will surprise me further.

Now i am thinking how am i going to interact with certain people i may or may not see. I idolised this person. I'm talking about being a young kid looking up to this person and wishing i would turn out like her when i grow up. I set my standards high because of her. I longed to be like her. Now i don't know how to interact with her. In so many ways she has everything. But is she still someone i look up to or just someone that i once upon a time knew? I don't know. I don't even know if i will see her. I am already thinking about what to wear and what to say and what to do.

Once upon a time i used to look up to a family. I thought "Wow they have everything!" I was in awe with the amount of cars they owned... their beautiful home... the designer clothes they wore... the food they ate... they seemed so far away from my middle class life. We then move to Sydney and slowly i was no longer exposed to that social class that seemed to divide people in the Philippines. I liked my new home. Fast forward to now... i can no longer look up to that family because beneath those beautiful things lies ugly secrets. I sometimes think to myself now that my definition of happiness may have altered. Maybe i just don't find their whole package attractive anymore because i have been exposed to other things and know more things. I am free from that.

Alas i have just suffered major verbal diarhhoea! To add to that - the comma button on my laptop is broken and won't produce commas. Well i will end this here. Til the next brain output adieu!

It's Raining Again...

Sometimes, i smile but inside i really am not. When i think no one is watching... i let myself cry and only my little one can see. Sometimes he comes up to me and asks me if i am happy or if i am ok. Sometimes that's all i need - someone to show that they care what's happening inside me... to know that i still exist you know?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... wow... not a good time to write... i am premenstrual and i tend to let myself tell the truth around this time because i have the cover that i can because i am hormonal. Go figure. WHy is the truth always hardest to tell?

The World in His Eyes

Sometimes I wish there was a report card to tell me if what i am doing in life is right. In the depths of PMS i sometimes feel inadequate or freakin' fabulous. Just depends really. No warning - the mood just hits me and sometimes i won't get moods at all. It so unpredictable. I could cry over something so stupid. I go through the whole "woe is me" routine. At the end of the day, i just want someone to tell me that i am doing ok. That my life will be ok. That the little life that i carried for 9 months will turn out to be a wonderful, confident and fabulous person in this world. That my mood swings won't make him scared of me. All i can whisper to him is that i love him and that i can do very well. It's funny how even though i think life is sucky sometimes, i look into those innocent eyes and see the world.

He who is only 2 years old can show me the world.

So i take a deep, quivering breath... and i know that life IS and WILL BE alright.

Wake Me Up - It's 2008!

It's like i woke up one day and the new year caught up with me. Too much thinking does that to you i think.

In 2008 - i am a bookworm. Sorting my way through Angus and Robertson's Top 100 books. I was pleasantly surprised to find that i had read a good number of them. My brain must be so dry. It needs words and stories and nouns and adjectives etc etc to quench its thirst. And to think all i wanted to do was learn french... now i am learning french... reading books... and also taking lots of photographs. I am going to do these because i want to. I need something to keep my brain ticking. I want to be free and creative.

Yup... french... books... photography. And lots of love.

2008 is going to be my year.