Everyone's Leaving on a Jet Plane

Lately wherever i turn i find that everyone i seem to know is going somewhere overseas on a holiday. Just to rub it in. I drink in their photos... the sites... the new things to see. Once upon a time that was my lifestyle. I would go on holiday for two months at a time once a year - overseas. I was free to explore our world. Then a hundred thousand things happened and i find myself in my predicament. Unable to go anywhere - i mean how could i when even the simple matter of renewing my passport hasn't been attended to. We are currently tied to a mortgage that is not benefiting us at all due to unkept promises. Dreams down the gurgler. Everyone will walk away from the sale of this property with a place except us. That sometimes make me feel bitter inside and it makes me cry when i am in the mood.

BUT let's not dwell on that. I shall concentrate on what i want the universe to throw back at me.

I want to travel again!!! I want to do that. Definitely... i want to go to Japan and go to Kyoto and dress up like a geisha. I want to take my son to Disneyworld. I want to chill out on the sands of Fiji. Anywhere... anytime... just over there somewhere!

I want to keep my house but hey let's throw that in the bucket of wishes too... coz it might come true.

NEXT TOPIC... what to do what to do? I know family has ties that bind but what do you do when other members just continuously beat down at you and no matter what you do they seem to have so many opinions about your life? SHUT UP! That's what i want to tell them. Shut up! If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. It hurt me that you are able to just say things like that about me. It hurts me that you never let me in your life anymore. It hurts me when you tell me you miss me and then you turn around and say nasty things behind my back. It hurts me that we were once so close and now you push me away. I know i should just let it go and leave you be but i don't know why i let you hurt me. You need to grow up.

NEXT to address another person in my life... are you for real? I mean truly? In the grand scheme of things do you really care for me all that much .. a lot ... or not at all? Am i just being stupid? Or is it worth it? And if it is real then why do i doubt you so? I don't want to doubt you because one day i think you will surprise me further.

Now i am thinking how am i going to interact with certain people i may or may not see. I idolised this person. I'm talking about being a young kid looking up to this person and wishing i would turn out like her when i grow up. I set my standards high because of her. I longed to be like her. Now i don't know how to interact with her. In so many ways she has everything. But is she still someone i look up to or just someone that i once upon a time knew? I don't know. I don't even know if i will see her. I am already thinking about what to wear and what to say and what to do.

Once upon a time i used to look up to a family. I thought "Wow they have everything!" I was in awe with the amount of cars they owned... their beautiful home... the designer clothes they wore... the food they ate... they seemed so far away from my middle class life. We then move to Sydney and slowly i was no longer exposed to that social class that seemed to divide people in the Philippines. I liked my new home. Fast forward to now... i can no longer look up to that family because beneath those beautiful things lies ugly secrets. I sometimes think to myself now that my definition of happiness may have altered. Maybe i just don't find their whole package attractive anymore because i have been exposed to other things and know more things. I am free from that.

Alas i have just suffered major verbal diarhhoea! To add to that - the comma button on my laptop is broken and won't produce commas. Well i will end this here. Til the next brain output adieu!

It's Raining Again...

Sometimes, i smile but inside i really am not. When i think no one is watching... i let myself cry and only my little one can see. Sometimes he comes up to me and asks me if i am happy or if i am ok. Sometimes that's all i need - someone to show that they care what's happening inside me... to know that i still exist you know?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.... wow... not a good time to write... i am premenstrual and i tend to let myself tell the truth around this time because i have the cover that i can because i am hormonal. Go figure. WHy is the truth always hardest to tell?